Bedside Boomstick

I’m sure there is a better implementation of this concept somewhere, but the idea came to mind this morning and I had to go through with it. Once again, when all you have is wood….

Some folks sleep soundly and have no worries. After all, the chances of a hostile home intrusion are low. For some, the improbable but certainly not impossible threat of such a situation is enough to warrant preparedness. To these folks, I present to you the Bedside Boomstick.

The Bedside Boomstick is a simple design comprised of two pieces of wood. A long, thin board fits underneath the mattress between the box spring. Upon a hinge, dangles another small piece of wood that has a holster attached. In the holster one may store their weapon of choice and sleep soundly knowing that it is within reach and pointed relatively safely at the ground. Those residing above other occupied units should make further considerations.

The example above is my personal arrangement. It is wise to keep in mind that while fresh fruit is mightier than a pointed stick, some individuals may be trained to defend against it.

Your mileage may vary, but the adversary may be armed too, with loganberries for example. Therefore, something more severe than a banana, e.g., a firearm may be preferred — so long as it doesn’t damage the lungs too severely. According to the Emperor & Protector of the United States, the more humane .50 BMG may be the best choice, being more gentle than the 9mm, but still kind of effective, but not as dangerous as 9mm, secondhand smoke or anything. You could simply light a cig and hope the adversary is health conscious enough to flee. I don’t know. I’m neither a doctor or tactical advisor. Make your own choice. Just don’t disrespect anyone’s respiratory system, even if they’ve illegally entered your home in the middle of the night to stop yours.

The following two images below show the Bedside Boomstick in position, retracted and fully inserted.

I’m not a fan of beds nor mattresses, but the bed I’m presently using has a sideboard, and a damn mattress. The sideboard is irrelevant and has no effect on the Boomstick. Really, the sideboard is merely loitering. Ignore it.

I made this thing for a friend who will receive it as a Christmas gift. He’s one of the folks who lean on the prepared side. The image below shows it shortly before it was finished.

The long board is cocobolo, the holster portion is walnut and both are attached with a brass hinge. I’m not sure yet if it will be necessary, but if any slippage occurs, plan B is to drill a hole at the end opposite the holster, tie a strand of paracord cut to the length remaining toward the other side of the mattress, then attach some object that will resist being pulled between the mattress and box spring thus preventing the Boomstick from wandering outward. The leather portion is a repurposed ambidextrous holster. My friend is a lefty — not in the sense that he’s some collectivist anti-liberty boot-licking pinko soyboy, rather that he’s not right-hand dominant. For this reason, I chose not to make the holster myself and took this shortcut. That, and my leather work is still pretty bad.

A future edition is under scrutiny, one that will resist even unreasonable amounts of willomying and flolloping.

Merry Christmas